The Summer I Turned Thirty

On a daily basis, age is a topic of conversation in my work.

“It’s hell getting old,” “don’t get old,” “I’m not how I used to be.” 

As a newly indoctrinated thirty year old, I’ve felt this age (maturity) for several years. In a professional work environment, in finding my independence, in dealing with difficult conversations and the evolution of self – I have felt this age before. Recently, my body has been giving me the 30-year-old warning lights: pain, digestion, fatigue – I’m feeling my age.  In spirit, I held on to my mid-twenties for as long as I could, but I feel 30, and no further questions are needed at this time. 

I, unlike years passed, did feel a shift on my birthday.  I wanted to enter this year with intention.  Over the last few years – whether it was starting travel PT, getting serious about quitting alcohol, or dating the love of my life – things feel right.  While there is more I want out of this lifetime, I am proud of who I am, excited about what I’m doing, and not future tripping (too hard). 

Maybe "turned thirty" is the year to start future tripping, but this year was the first time I recognized that our timelines (though try as they may to homogenize us) are ours completely.  My siblings are growing up and forging their own paths, my friends are uniquely trail blazing, and my previous illustrations of life are slipping out of view - for a more Classically Kaylee portrait. If/When I imagined the future I had a habit of disassociating myself from the character that was arc’ing her way through life.  She would have a house here, a wedding that looked like this, a job where this happened, and so on.  But now, I look in the mirror and take comfort in knowing this is where I am.

Not to say I don’t want for more: more growth, knowledge, vibration, immersion and evolution. 

But it does not scare me – 

I’m not afraid of what happens next. 

Kaylee